The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
