In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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