I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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