the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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