Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
