dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
