I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize