my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize