Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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