You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i now understand why vodka
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
