He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
