i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
