My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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