no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
