she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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