my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
