I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize