I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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