The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
