We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
