What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
