Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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