Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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