Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
