i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
