Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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