i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
