Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
