R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
