went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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