How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
