Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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