dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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