why didn't you poke me back
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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