She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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