saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
