I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize