my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize