how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Someone shattered a urinal.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
