And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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