i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just found a bag of teeth...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
