Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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