i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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