he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
