***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
