bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
