if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This baby is an asshole
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
