but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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