Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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