hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
