Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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