you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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