Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
