Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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