dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
