I'm really into asian looking animals
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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