i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
