so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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