dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
