We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
